Tip your male server the same you would your female one.

The honest server
The asshole server
The queer server
The attentive server
The ladies man server
The order taking server
The "i'm ignoring you" server
The witty server
The "give you a little friendly attitude" server
The friend server
The therapist server
The sarcastic server
The mediator server
The debator server
The "It's all about you" server
The "What in the fuck do you want from your server" server
The "All of the Above" server
-and lastly-
The "How i would want to be served" server

Fact: All those are me. I've tried everything.
Fact: I still get at least 20 - 30% less than the shittiest female server counterpart who doesn't know shit about shit.

Question: Why?
Think real hard on that. If you have an answer for that, let me know.

Exception: Having sweet T & A doesn't qualify as an answer.

Words to my inaction.

"I'm afraid to get close to people.
I don't know how to do it.
I don't know how you are supposed to do it."

-James Hetfield-
From Metallica's documentary "Some Kind of Monster"

I've never been able to put such simple words to myself. It hit home because it's true. How do you approach something you've never been able to.

Thoughts = Insomnia

Ever try to fall asleep, or try to focus your attention on a task, but you can' because you have something on your mind? Try to think of another thing, or try and hide the thought, try thinking about nothing (or not thinking even). Just makes it worse and you can't stop thinking about it. I wonder if that's the brain's natural spite, or that it's a sign you need to deal with it. Maybe i shouldn't think about it too hard, might loose sleep over it.

I need to put something out there so i can get back to homework.

"The greatest evil is the indifference of good men." - Priest from Boondock Saints.

Good words to live by, but when do you cross the line from helping/what you think is helping, to overstepping your boundaries and trying to enforce your morals into a situation.

Or is there a middle point to all this.
By saying your piece, and leaving the end result/decision to the person the comment was directed at might be all that's needed.

Here's my piece.

Went out w/a friend (who i will call Beauty) I hadn't seen in a long time, and her friends. Had a great night, lots of fun.
One of her friends (who i will call Beast, she's not one, but it leads up into a dumb metaphor i have brewing) has a rough history, getting into all kinds of crowds.
Now Beauty cares a lot about her friend, as a good friend does. Recently Beauty and Beast moved in together, Beauty thinking she can help Beast turn over a new leaf.
Great start, best place for recovery is in the company of someone who cares and wants to help.
Now, Beauty is on the fence on a lot of topics because she doesn't want to offend or drive away one of her long time friends by saying something. This is where my thought above comes in.
Beauty voices her disapproval of the situation to me, but is not saying anything to Beast, not acting, nor do i think she ever will. That is a decision made. Life goes on.
(How's that for faith, truth can be hurtful, and sometimes needed.)
So Beast goes on doing what she knows best, seemingly content, but it's destructive on her emotionally and physically. Her eyes show what she won't let her face say.

*Flashback!* (to the night we went out.)
Sitting in the basement, playing some cards, drinking a beer, and i see a tiny bag with white contents move across the room. I'm watching it pass by and change hands. "Oh Curtis is cool" F-en rights i am. Why was that said... hmm... ah doing some "rails" i see. I put it out of my mind. That shit won't hit my bloodstream. That's fact. I have no problem with substance abuse/usage, because i know it won't affect me, only the persons doing it. Oh wait, by relation, it does affect me on another level.

So Beauty goes for it.
I'm thinking wow, looks like Beauty is on the path of the Beast. (Lots of history not being mentioned as to reasons/actions, etc) Maybe Beauty has become the Beast, maybe it's too late. There's your metaphor.
Seems to me like it might be hard to aide one in the recovery of something, when you begin to justify their actions by becoming involved in it. Makes sense no? Maybe not,

This is where intevention becomes questionable, you care enough to say something, but you don't want to push them away. I figure there are two outcomes of speaking your mind in this situation, the first is recovery, the second is the hiding of the issue so the topic is never brought up again.

Do what you like, but as soon as I see it becoming a harmful tradition, expect an intervention. I'd expect every one of you to do the same for me. It's not because my opinion states you shouldn't be doing it, it's because someone cares about you and your mental/physical health.

It's because I like you.
If i didn't like you, you wouldn't hear anything.

Quotes and Advice

Well, i have the attention span of someone who doesn't have much of an attention span. I asked for some quotes/pieces of advice which i was going to incorporate into my autobiography, and since I got bored with that, whoever reads this, midaswell take advantage of the things which were told to me.

So here goes. If you see it and recognize your own, this is kind of my tribute to your words for the rest of the (Internet) world to see.

For reasons of responsibility and by my word, I said that i would not credit those for their contribution. If you would like some credit, post a comment about your saying, and if you'd like to justify it, write your name so you get that credit. All i've done here, is play messenger, and taken some of the best words i have received, and given them to those who might not have heard them before.

*Here goes, the list starts... now*

"don't get involved with someone who has a more screwed life or more problems than you have."
side note: and i guess if you think about it - if you ever live with that mantra then that means that you're the one who is more fucked up than your partner. and having said that...you have to then find someone who doesn't live by this quote.

"Do on to others as you would have them do on to you."
*Dirty says* - makes sense no?

"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but few will capture your heart, these are the things to persue, these are the things worth treasuring."

"I expect to pass through this world only once, so any kindness I can show, or goodness I can do, let me do now, for I shall not pass this way again."

"There are two ways of dealing with difficulty, you alter the difficulty, or you alter yourself to meet the difficulty. (Change the situation, or change your attitude toward the situation)"
*Dirty says* - Not too many people will take responsibilty for the situation they have put themselves in. I'm one of of those.

"If you never attempt more than what you have already mastered, you will never grow."

"Every event of every day, you have a choice, regardless of the event, you have an opportunity to learn from it, grow from it, and become better because of it."

"Every moment of every day you make a choice as to whether to be happy or not. Accept all hardships, you are not alone in them. Everyone falls on hard times, but your true character and strength comes out, not when all is well, but when you are faced with adversity."
*Dirty says* - this was sent to me, it hits home as it's true to the word.

"Life is far too important to be taken seriously. Why bother living if its not fun!!! If you screw up just laugh. Say for instance, you fall down some stairs at a party ... If you run away all embarrassed everyone will say ... what a loser ... but if you laugh ... everyone will laugh with you and it will be forgotten."

"1. Best way to get over someone (like a breakup of a realationship) is to get under someone (Have sex!! or get a new boo).
2. anybody can learn from their own mistakes. It is when you learn from other people's mistakes that is something. (can't really remember how that goes. But I am pretty close)
3. And this last one is from my parents, which they have been telling me from the dawn time (seems like). Because you're black "son" you have two strikes aganist you. Which means you have to work that much harder to get what you want out of life. A little side note... My sister has 3 strikes aganist her because she is a female."

"If you smell burnt almonds for no apparent reason, get out of the room, it's poison gas. Gaseous cyanide actually."
*Dirty says* - I'll give credit to Ben So for having saved your life on this one. It could happen.

"Curtis B, use your people skills, you are wonderful with people. Use that shit and you will get places."
*Dirty says* - Thanks Tara (under some kind of influence), I'm back in school for that reason. That comment helped solidify it.

"Dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listning, love like you have never been hurt, and do not let anyone make you feel inferior."

"Follow your heart, and let nobody make any decisions for you. Happiness is a heartbeat away from the actions that you are willing to take to get there and the willingness to sacrifice your pride, image, and what others think of you. A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step! As soon as you question why you are in a certain place, re-evaluate why you are there and conclude how to get out or stay in it. Ask yourself one question - IS IT WORTH IT?, if not get out as quickly as you can because misery is right around the corner."
*Dirty says* - strong words from a strong woman

"The best piece of advice I've got was probably here. One nite I was in the gym and one of the military instructors started chatting to me. He was basically giving me an inspirational talk. He was saying that if you are giving everything you got to what you want to do, and you fail, than that is just not your path in life. He said that it is never the end of the world and there is always something else calling you, maybe you just haven't found it yet. Anyways, he said it in much greater words, but it feels good to live by that."
*Dirty says* - words from some military guy to someone previously under the influence

"the best advice I have ever gotten was live each day to the fullest no mattter what...... you never know when it will be your last"

"the best thing i've learned in life is to live life to it's fullest, meaning live like you were dying. eveything that you've ever dreamed you would never do,do! live, love, learn....

don't knock it until you've tried it...remember green eggs and ham??? try it try it you will see..."

"Do you have enough stories to tell your grandkids when you are older...you don't want to tell them all the same ones do you?"
*Dirty says* - i think this is one of the best ones. my grandma tells the same stories over and over again.

That's it from what i've heard.
There's room for feedback on your best quotations/pieces of advice/words of wisdom.

Since i have relayed it, i get to add some. A quote i have made up (if unintentionally stolen, i apologize now) is:
Silence says more than any words can.

23 going on 50

Waking up today i felt old.

My body didn't want to move when i told it to go, my eyes felt tired, each blink of the eye felt like there were little weights pulling down. My head throbbed, my mouth was dry, and my bladder yearned for immediate release. My alarm clock showed that sleep was going to be cut short, as i had not more than 10 minutes to get up, take the long road to a stop, where i had to catch my morning bus so i could get some education.

I keep learning about myself in the staircase of life, and it was just another step today. Hang-overs suck.

I went to my first staff x-mas party last night, and it was a good time. The beer was tasting great and had some good fun with people i have never associated with outside of work. Looking at it, i probably never will associate with most of them outside of work, because the party was at work. Did i lose you there? Right.

I went early thinking a short night was going to happen, since school was first thing in the morning and as of late, has become my first priority to myself.
Not so much. Seems it never does when you plan it that way.
Mr. Murphy changes his laws all the time.

One point in the night firmly stuck out to me. I was sitting at the bar-top talking with one of the waitresses, and the topic of relationships came up. It came in the back door right after talk of New Year's Eve parties left.

Her argument: "All guys are assholes." Fair enough. Care to back that up? Of course, the drink loosens the tongue. Here we go.

Her backup: "My boyfriend is an asshole who treats me like shit. All guys are assholes."
Having heard this before, there was no holds barred.

Q)Why are you with him
A)"Because i like him."
Q)Where did you meet him
A)"At the bar"
Q)So if you are being treated like a piece of trash, and you are complaining about it passionately, why bother
A)"I guess i like the bad boys"
Q)Do you think i'm an asshole?
A)"All guys are assholes."
Q)I guess there's nothing really left to talk about. I'm going for a smoke.
(not really a question)

Instructions: Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary. You will get guarenteed results. Sorry, your time is not refundable.
-I want that 20 minutes back-

Now this doesn't make sense to me. Perhaps it never will.
I don't thing i ever want to know or experience that.

Maybe she's right, maybe all guys are assholes. All asshole boyfriends are picked up at the bar. Then are all guys in the bar assholes? Logic would point to yes. Reason, and essentially opinion (being mine), would point to no.

I think i am on a crash course trying to understand people.
I will have lost my sanity long before gaining that knowledge.

Curtis version 4.3.81

This is my new online diary.

I started to write my autobiography to find out who i was, instead finding a lot of open-ended questions. The time that i spend writing it is so rare and spaced out, that when i do have time to write, i midaswell put it on here and save some effort.

To follow, are some topics, ideas, insight, etc on who i am becoming, who i was, and just everyday thoughts (everyday = anytime i jump online).

The next one i have already done, and it's a big one.
Topic, well.. you'll just have to read.

Hope everyone is doing great.
Keep an eye open for new material, chances are i'll be posting new stuff very frequently.

Do you realize what you have?

I was thinking one night, started writing, and this is what popped out. I think you should all take some time to appreciate what you have (have had), and by doing so, you can benefit from my story. It's chopped up and all over the place, but whatever. I learned something about myself by writing it, i hope you can take advantage of that as well.

Have you ever wanted something, more than anything you could have ever thought. I want something. The first of it’s kind in my world. It seems to be the most difficult to achieve, yet possibly most rewarding thing possible. I want a best friend. Not any best friend, someone I can share my life with, trust with all of my mind and body, someone who can share and trust me with the same (and not a dude).

I want to love and be loved. Seems like an easy thing to ask, but a much more arduous task to achieve. That is an experience I have yet to have felt, and one which I wish I will feel. I have been able to find a rare temporary release, the nice terminology for a lay, and that has been it. Been saying this next statement a lot lately, but only recently have I realized that I am maturing, and by that I mean the rare booty call is not my thing and does not satisfy my want for something more, in actuality, it never has.. Could it be that I need to be loved. Could that sound any more sappy? Probably not. I have never felt loved. That sappy statement is just a perspective.

"My Morning After Thoughts"

Why do I feel like a big pile of shit?
Shouldn’t I be happy that I was able to have some company, able to have sex?
Should I feel like I used the other?
or Should I feel used.

There has to be more to it than this.
I hope there is more to it than this.

Better to have loved and lost than have not loved at all. This is true, except to me. Am I looking for the perfect one? I shouldn’t be, life’s not perfect. But I am afraid to lose. I am afraid to put my emotions on the line without knowing the outcome is a favorable one. Reason for that is I have listened my whole life, and that has taken a lot out of me.

Why, everyone listens.

Great point!

Most of what I hear about relationships is the negative side of things, it puts you off the topic. I have heard a lot, and hear a lot about people’s hardships in relations, actually 95% of people complain when talking about relationships. That’s mostly what I hear. The occasional few have made some comments on the good things that go on, not too often you hear that though. So for one who hasn’t really experienced that much if anything in the field of relationships, I sure know what not to do, but I’m afraid to take the step and learn for myself. Who would want to? If most of what I hear is bad things, why would I put myself in a position to only deal with bad things (IE relationships).

It’s about the chase.

People want what they can’t have, and when they have it, it takes the spark out.

Famous words from someone who wrote them. Is it true? Sure. Take kids for example. If you run away from them, sometimes they chase you. Thing with kids is that they have endless energy, so when they do take bait and start to chase you, they’ll chase and chase up until you stop running and stand there, they get bored with you and move on to something else stimulating. I’ve been told by a person that is all they look for. The chase. They will go after the most agile of prey, and won’t stop until they get what they want, then leave the bones to dry in the noon day sun. So after feasting, who wants old meat sitting on old bones. It’s a dead topic. I find myself in this category on occasion. I’ll chase and chase, push and do everything in my power to persuade that I am the right one for the job. But when push comes to shove, where words turn into action, I stop and look for the fork in the road. Empty relationship, or possible love. It has never been the latter as of yet. Maybe those are just words from a pessimist. Maybe those are your words coming out of my mouth. Why am I so scared to take a chance? Tell you what, if you are in a relationship, or have been in the past, you are already a professional in the field.

I need help, plain and simple.

Here’s where I put a general comment out. If you have problems with your relationship, sure it’s okay to have a bitch session every once in a while. But don’t draw out what is probably a good thing. He’s ignoring me, she’s always flirting with other guys. Then talk it out with them. Unless your significant other is a total bitch/prick, either dump them, or appreciate what they have contributed to your life (bad and good, you still learn and gain from both). Been going out less than a month? 3 months? 10 years? There must be a reason you are still with them.

Take some time to recognize that.
Otherwise, here's the guilt trip.
Every time you talk about your relationship in a bad way, that takes a bit of relationship hope out of me or the next person who hears your sob story. Just remember there’s always someone worse off than you.

If trend continues, I will die old and lonely while I help mend other people’s love life with no personal gain (benefit to my well being).

Is that selfish of me to say?
No, that’s my reality, and it’s time I finally take notice of it.

Moral of this, if you complain about your relationship...

Guys: I’m going to have sex with your girlfriend.
(Ralf you are the only exception to this rule cause that's just wrong)

Girls: I’m going to have sex with you.
The 30 seconds it will take me, will make you appreciate your boyfriend I’m sure.