Trust in honesty.

Last words which I just told a friend of mine.

I looked up honesty in the thesaurus. Some of the synonyms which came up were:
bluntness, fairness, faithfulness, to be genuine, goodness, honor, loyalty, morality, openness, outspokenness, reputability, responsibility, right, self-respect, sincerity, straightforwardness, trustworthiness, truthfulness, and virtue.

Honesty is not something to be taken lightly. If someone is honest with you, you should respect and value these traits, even if it hurts.

Honesty is something which most state they have, but few hold the capability to be able to deliver it, and receive it when asked for an 'honest opinion.' I believe everyone deserves the right to know the honesty of any situation they are in, as it is the least one human can offer another, but sometimes it can be the most difficult to take and understand.

My name, Curtis, means patience which is another word I looked up. My tattoo on my back is based on this term and was the beginning of the idea. I only needed to decide on a character to rightly resemble the term and I found it with the gargoyle which some of you have seen.

The word patience has the synonyms of:
backbone, calmness, composure, constancy, diligence, fortitude, guts, heart, humility, perseverance, persistence, poise, resignation, restraint, self-control, serenity, and tolerance.

Patience is a trait which is developed over experience and mentality. For one to hold the status of having patience must have the ability to (really) listen, to be able to hold their composure, and that are willing to wait for things to come their way.


My 'honesty' tattoo will be coming soon after I finish my 'patience' tattoo.

I have pushed a reset button.

From this day forward, I'm free.
Unfortunately, this does not come without consequence for myself, and those around me.

I have published a blog previously about not being able to make a choice between many options. I have made a choice, and it is e) none of the above. Who falls into this category? Everyone.

I am sorry.

I could not commit to one person prior to this posting, because if I were to, I would not be thinking solely of the one person who was involved with me in the relationship.
Therefore my undivided attention would not be spent on one person, and with that, I would not be true to the one person, and I would not be true to myself.

That's not all truth. I would have committed to one person. I've put one woman in front of all others for the last three years. Just recently I came to terms that it wasn't mutual, and therefore I went through the stages of denial, and just recently I've hit "acceptance". A 'finality of a situation' if you will. Nothing is going to happen.

I have pushed a reset button in regards to relationships, and this is my apology for that, and to those individuals who I might have mislead in this process.

• I'm sorry that I did not give you a chance.
• I'm sorry that I have to end something before it could even start to flourish.
• I'm sorry that, until now, I have unknowingling mislead you to believe something could have happened.
• I'm sorry that I have to start everything from the beginning.
  

I have to do this for myself so I don't fall into a similar situation as before, and because the smallest respect I can give to another is the truth.

My truth to you, gentle reader, is that I have mislead myself, and with some help, I hope never to do the same again.

Until it happens to you

You will never truely know how you will feel.

Recently I have come to realization that my family is not invulnerable.

In the last few days my father has been in the hospital due to heart problems. There's no need to go into details, but some major changes have and are going to happen in the family because of it.

You hear all the time about an ailing person, one with cancer, diseases, or varying degrees of sickness. That topic was foreign to me until a little while ago. This brings a new light, a new appreciation, respect, and understanding for those going through serious health complications, and the family members going through the ordeal of witnessing a loved one struggle.

Essentially, it blows. The feeling of helplessness has not been more present in my life until now. One wants to help, but there is nothing one can do except be around for moral support, and to trust in the profession which is the doctor. And because of this, I have a renewed respect for doctors. Not only do they have the pressure of taking care of their patients, but they also have the pressure of making sure a family stays a family (ie. not losing a family member).

This is the time where 'faith' and one's belief in it comes into the scene.
I have faith the doctor is looking out for my father and my father's best interest.
I have faith that everything will be fine.

Do yourself a favor, and tell those you love how you feel about them.
You don't know if they'll be around tomorrow.

It's been a while.

Dear gentle reader,

I apologize for the length of time it has taken me to write. I have found myself in a position where I have lots to write about, but nothing to say. Either that or I cannot express the right words to say how I am feeling.

Some words I can now say with finality are, "Never again."
Some of these words you will not understand, gentle reader, unless you ask for the reason why.

Never again, will I:

• spend so much emotion on something which hasn't been reciprical.
• get to a point where I become incoherent to the point of being selfish.
• pass up a great opportunity which might never come across my path again.
• wear socks while wearing sandals.

There is so much more I could add (even for this online diary) which is too personal and that I do not wish to disclose at this point in time. These are just a few pledges which I will keep from this day on. If you know me, this is a request to make sure I keep those promises.

I do not know when I will add to this blog next, but I will.

Take care until next time gentle reader.

From the author of this blog,
and
Your friend,

Curtis

Feel free to comment.

I thought I had left open the choice to comment or not. Obviously not since it wasn't open for non-registered Blogger users.

Well, good news, now it is open to the general public, but I do have some rules.

I willingly accept any positive criticism, and your thoughts towards what is written.
Profanity is accepted so long as it is in good taste, for emphasis, and/or it suits your style.

But I will not accept slander or negative feedback in any form, and if you do choose that option, I will promptly delete your comments and any which you put on in the future.

I hope you enjoy what I have written, and what will be written in the near future.
Your continual support keeps me going.

Thanks for reading, and I look forward to any input.
Curtis

Tonight I do not sleep ....

I feel obligated
to write something
after telling someone
I would.

The pressure is on.
I'd like to say
that I won't do it
but I can't do it.

This is why
my writing
will never be
a profession,
the pressure gets to me.

That, and
it really doesn't have
a personal attachement
when you try
to force something out.

That personal meaning
is my muse
which is why
I am able to write
in the beginning.

So gentle reader
you will wait
until my muse is back
before you read
any new installment

But i need to say
thank you, gentle reader
for being my muse
helping me out
find who i am
who you are
without combined effort
this is for nothing

Communication is key.

Someone said that communication is key to a successful relationship.
This is true, probably one of the most important factors.

I had an moment of enlightenment tonite, and this is my revelation to you, gentle reader.

I have never had a long term relationship. When I say long term, I mean for more than a month and a half.

Why is that?
The only relationship I really know is based on momentary passion. Lust if you will. That's all fine and dandy, some people go through these kinds of stages, some don't. Cool beans.

What do I really want?
A long term relationship, to be loved, to love.

What's my problem?
Too many choices. At this point in time, there are 5 women who are interested (that I know of) in having relations with me, and it's mutual in all cases (again, which I know of).
I say this without ego, nor am I trying to point out something to make myself feel better, contrairy to that fact, it makes me feel worse.

The point I am trying to make is that I can not decide.

I'm trying to get it out of my head that there is no "one" woman for me. To quote my father, "You start off as two people, and by sharing with each other, you end up as one."

Now, that's sounds pretty bad that I have a 'pick of the litter' as some people go their whole lives not having that option. Every day I meet so many new people, that those options keep growing, and in my mindset, I don't want to go out with a woman, if there is the possibility that the 'one' might show up.

Already haven eaten my foot, I will insert the other.

What am I doing by searching for this "one"?
This is what I have to say about that last comment. By spending so much time trying to find the 'perfect companion' I have passed up so many opportunities to have relations with a lot of amazing women. Really, what's better than the perfect one? Nothing... everyone is below that 'perfect' status and that is not fair. Not fair to those I have encountered, and not fair to myself.

I hate that fact, and I am trying to change that.

Now my 'moment of elightenment' comes into effect with the topic of communication.

Why have I not had a long-term relationship?
Here's the real reason. Communication.

I have woken up next to a woman, and had nothing to say to her. It's pretty bad when both parties are talking to the cat because they have nothing to say to each other (here's a side revelation: I hate cats). I have also spent a lot of time just talking to women, and usually those are the ones I am most attracted to. If conversation is always around, communication is solid, then sex is just an added perk.

There's more to this, there will always be more, but that's all I can put down for now.

Maybe I'm looking too far ahead.
Maybe I'm doing just fine.
I dunno, tomorrow's another day.

What if...

you died tomorrow?

Before I continue, I'd like to state that I have no death wish, I am not about to commit suidide (nor has that thought crossed my mind), I am not depressed, I'm only writing this to expand one's mind, that would be mine and your's, gentle reader.

So really, what if you died tomorrow? Would you be happy with what you have done with your life, or would you be on your death bed asking for a second chance?

Lots of perception on this topic, but really, two results come of it. Regret or acceptance. On your death bed, what would you be thinking? That might be a bad question to ask, but it's one I ask myself all the time.

Really, do you wish you could have done something better, or do you accept the fact that you made a choice.

I'll throw out some examples.

Would you ask yourself why you didn't forward that memo to your boss about something important?
Would you ask yourself why you didn't lie so much?
Would you ask yourself why you didn't travel before you went to school?
Would you ask yourself why you stayed with someone, who in turn, made you miserable every day?
Would you ask yourself...

or...

Would you lie on your death bed saying that there was nothing I could have done to make myself happier as I have learned from all of my experiences and those shared with me, and made myself into a better person.

Weird thought huh.

Why wait until your death bed to find out if you regret something?

Live life with no regrets.
Life life to the fullest.
When I say fullest, I mean to be happy and to have done everything that you are able to in the limited time we call life.

That is all for the moment.

Say Hello to Spring

Alright, i had a few days to ponder over it, and I guess I lied. I don't have a two part series, I was able to condense it down.


Here's a song to sing along to.

If you're miserable and you know it clench your hands

If you hate your job, go and tell off the "man"

If your life sucks so bad and you want to show you're mad
(already shows, and everyone knows)

Just quit now so you don't feel so bad.

I wrote this while sitting on the john. To be named after something always full of shit is a pretty funny thought.
Was that a pot-shot? You be the judge.

For a change of pace, I figured that I have been writing about my feelings on a certain topic, but (correct me if I am mistaken and already have done this) this time I'm going to rant.

Here goes another installment of my Ode's to something. The first one is on my Diary of an Air Traffic Control Student called "Something for the Know-it-all" at


"Something for the 'Job-Haters'"

if you hate your job
just quit now and do us a favor
everyone knows it so don't try and hide the fact
you are not coping out as it's just not you
sind a new line of work as
someone will fill your shoes
don't worry about the next job
it will come your way
you'll still be miserable
tomorrow and the next 10 years
if you don't leave now
i'll leave you to your life of dispair
wouldn't you rather be happy than sad
same shit different day, does waking up make you mad?
that really shouldn't have to be
no one wants to deal with someone
wearing a perma-frown
what about tomorrow - what about the bills?
who gives a shit, are you happy
whatever happens know that something will come up
life's not perfect and never bonifide
find your true work as you are still young
Time is on your side.


I was inspired to write this last week.

I met a guy outside, inbetween my classes, while having a cig and vented to me like one friend would to another.
He hates his job and I heard everything that goes along with that.

To quote a Headstones lyric, "Some of your best friends, are people you just met." Funny how some people let you know how their life is when you take the time to listen. The time it takes to smoke a cigarette is more than enough time to hear it all.

You know, the next time I'm on the bus, I'm going to see if someone really listens to me and offers me some advice. I'll let you all know how that turns out.