Dirty's last post

When you have a conversation in your head late at night where you reach an epiphany. I have reached one of those... Yet again.

I have killed Dirty Curty. He has been slain and been burned to ashes. I have killed Dirty because that is not who I am, and I have recognized that by having the very same title, it has turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy in which I want to have no part of. It is putting to rest a self-destructive part of myself.

Really. Ask yourself, gentle reader, what you think of a person who has the nickname "Dirty Curty." What impressions do you already have of that person just from the nickname? How does he act? What has he done to deserve that title? Why would he embrace that nickname?

If you have ever had any real conversation with me, do I fall into that category? I do not think so... at least, I hope I don't.

Now I live by the ideology of having no regrets, and that I will continue to believe and preach. But this "Dirty era" of my life must end. This is my confessional, father please forgive me for I have sinned and it's been never since I've had a confessional. That's not true, I've had one confessional and I think the pastor enjoyed it way too much.

Gentle reader, this is my confessional to you.

I have been "Dirty" from one of my first experiences to my very last. It is all I have ever really known. It has been the skeleton in my closet, it has been my identity since the title of "Dirty Curty" has been bestowed upon me, I have been "Dirty Curty" ever since. Until now.

I need to breathe fresh air, I need to have a new beginning without forgetting the past, I need to ask you dear reader, that you never call me by the title of "Dirty" ever again. This is what happens when people find religion, they find some faith in themselves by following a doctrine in which they find righteous. This righteousness I continually find in myself by looking to you, gentle reader. I find faith in my friends and family.

One thing I ask is that you do not get this blog the wrong way. The focus of this is that I fear the person I really am is being lost and over-shadowed by "Dirty." I have promoted my actions by reaffirming what I am doing as good and the "correct" thing to do, and have encouraged the usage of the nickname. This is my wrong-doing, my fault, my obligation to deal with, my actions to reason with, my skeleton in the closet, and by no reason is it your responsibility, dear reader.

In this whole time it has been a constant battle for me. A conflict of interest if you will. What is the conflict? Allow me to explain it. Let us go back to what you would define "Dirty" as. Think about that definition. Now having thought of that, would you include respect in that definition? Probably not. That has been my battle. One part of me wanted everything and anything. The other part wanted not to possibly hurt those involved in my actions. Most often, respect took control and bitch-slapped the "Dirty" part of my consciousness. But not in all circumstances, and for that, I apologize.

I am ashamed of myself for having passed up so many great opportunities as I have been presented with in the short duration which I call my life. What, is that a regret? No gentle reader, it isn't. Some people are not given as many chances as I have been given, which is what I am dearly thankful for. I have internalized every experience, good and bad, and this is the outcome, my only fear. What is to happen if I don't get any more chances? I would end up as the single guy at the bar with the "sad story, (but) great song" and my nickname would still be "Dirty."

This ends my blog forever. This ends "Dirty."

I grow weary of constantly correcting myself and trying to perfect myself, continually being unwilling to be vulnerable, continually fucking up and destroying the opportunities which have been placed in my lap.

It is time for change.
It is time for "Dirty Curty" be laid to rest.

It is time for change.
I am reclaiming my life.

"Dirty Curty" is dead.

__________

/ R.I.P. \

"Dirty Curty"

'03-'06

Learn to laugh

Live to laugh

Live to learn

Learn to live

-----------------

This is a double-whammy!!

2 problems in 1 solved. Why drugs aren't legalized, and where is the cure for AIDS?


Drugs, of all types, should be legalized. Period.

The only problem is that those scientists who have found the cure for AIDS, need to use those multi-million dollar grants they are still getting in the name of research, to focus their attention on other, more important issues concerning society in general. (If you are a scientist, or you are simply offended by this statement, fast forward to the end of this blog.)

Here is one reason why drugs aren’t legalized;

There is no immediate scientific method to be able to prove you are under the influence of any kind of drug. There is a breathalyser test for sobriety when it comes to alcohol where they are immediately able to prove exactly how many percentage points you are over when they administer the test. That is why it is legal.

The only test for, let’s say weed, is how fast you are driving your car. It is common knowledge that most people drive way below the speeding limit when they are high, but unless they have an immediate and scientific method to measure how stoned a person is, it will not hold up in court. Until the law has a way of proving how messed up you are from doing drugs, short of blood tests or from you running around the city naked screaming about how the trees are coming after you, it will remain illegal.


I remain sympathetic for those who are inflicted with the HIV/AIDS virus, and this might sound like a conspiracy theory, but I refuse to believe that science, in today’s society with all of our technology, has not found a cure for it.

They are working on finding a cure! Bullshit! Every time you buy a pink ribbon, or whatever colour ribbon it is, where do you think your money is going to? How many celebrities have donated $1 million and more dollars? Where is that money going, seriously?

Let me put this into perspective. Say that you are at work one day, and you have a certain quota of work to do and you get paid by the hour. Now let’s say that you have finished all of your day’s worth of work within the first two hours of your eight hour shift. Do you leave work to go home, knowing that as soon as you leave the building you stop getting paid, or do you stay around for the last six hours knowing you’ll get paid to play Minesweeper on the computer?

So, as a company that is receiving research grants from a good variety of organizations to find a cure for AIDS, do you stop and tell the world that you have found a cure for AIDS and get hero status, maybe even a plaque or Nobel Peace Prize, or do you continue to receive countless donations and make huge profits selling 20 different types of drugs to keep one person alive who is inflicted by AIDS. Capitalism tells you to do the latter. Go ahead and buy that $2.6 million home you’ve always had your eye on.

Well, if it’s not one thing, it’s another. Humanity is long overdue for a pandemic. Smallpox anyone? Humanity, I am sure will destroy itself in due time, and Mother “Natural Disaster” Nature will be there, with open arms, finally able to take back her planet.

Disclaimer.

Please do not take any of these blogs to heart. These are just thoughts crossing my mind.


These blogs are to be taken at face value as I turn into a crusty bastard when writing them.


I think, then I write, then I leave them on the internet pretty much never to be thought of again.

It's therapy without the $150/hr bill which comes from a therapist.

By no means are these displays of emotion towards one single person/group (unless specified directly), they are simply a general rant.

http://www.illwillpress.com
featuring Foamy is a great example of this, the only difference is that he's a cartoon squirrel, and I'm just a clown.

Tired of Drama...

I am sick and tired of drama.
There is no point to drama.

There is only one type of drama which causes grief: emotional. Either past, present, or future.

Past: you've had emotional grief which passes on to the present and future.
Why you should get over this: you should learn from the past experiences and prevent it from harming present and future experiences.

Present: It is what is going on in your life right now.
Why you should get over this: it has no effect on your past experiences, if anything, your past experiences should allow you to be informed of what you should do in your current situation. Everything from this current experience has now turned into past experience since you are dealing with it now, then it turns into .

Future: There should never have to be future drama. If there is any future drama, it is not coming from your end. You have dealt with it through your experience and at the same time, be able to deal with it accordingly.
Why you should get over this: you can never know what curveball you are being thrown, but you should be able to cope with what is sent over your plate from your past experience.

So what is the deal with drama? It's a fucking soap opera is what it is.
I fucking hate drama.
There is no point, it is never necessary.
But drama has a point to it, to ensure you learn what not to do if you are put in the same shoes.
Of course, that's assuming you learn something from it, otherwise it's just another day.
Drama is shit that is a made for T.V., and should be left there.

But, every time I am witness to drama, I hate humankind all the more.
Why can't everyone just get along? That's altruistic, but so very simple if people abide by three simple rules: respect, love, and understanding.
Respect one another as they are, love one another for who they are, and understand one another as to who they respect and love.

But, that's boring and noone wants that ideally. Humanity WANTS drama to spice up the otherwise ordinary.

I say, "Fuck that noise!"

I want to be respected, I want to be loved, and I want to be understood.
Who doesn't?
If you don't, you are either lying, are misguided, or are fool-hardy.

I don't want any drama.
Noone deserves drama.
To have drama means to substitute respect, love, and understanding for a type of disgusting display of what one human ought to do to another, which destroys what everyone really lives their life for.

You make the choice.

Here's something for everyone.

DISCLAIMER: If you don't understand the meaning of a few 'swear words' in the English dictionary, you will be informed of their meaning. Explicit words will be used in this blog. I don't hold any responsibility for the usage of these 'swear words' and if anyone tells you that you shouldn't use these words, at least you'll be able to defend your position in showing the diversity of them, then you can tell them to "Fuck off" as it is an appropriate phrase in English context. Again, I hold zero responsibilty for what may come of this blog, it's up to you to use your new found knowledge to defend yourself. Here goes.

This first one is from the website http://www.nailmaster.ru/fuck.html I took the time to write out some of the dialogue for argument sake, but this is where i am giving credit to.

perhaps one of the most interesting words in the english language today is the word fuck
out of all the english words that begin with the letter f, fuck is the only word that is refered to as the "f word"

its the one magical word, just by its sound can desscribe pain, pleasure, hate, and love.
fuck, as most words in the english language, is derived from german, the word "frichen," which means to strike

in english, fuck falls into many grammitcal categories,
as a transitive verb, for instance, "john fucked shirley"
as an intransitive verb - "shirley fucks"

its meaning is not always sexual...
it can be used as an adjective such as- "johns doing all the fucking work"
as an adverb - "shirly talks too fucking much"
as an adverb enhancing an adjective - "shirly is fucking beautiful"
as a noun - "i dont give a fuck"
as part of a word - "absofuckinglutley," or "infuckingcredible"
and, as almost any word in a sentence - "fuck the fucking fuckers"

there aren't many words with this versitility as in these examples
fraud - "i got fucked at the used car lot"
dismay - "aw fuck it"
trouble - "i guess im really fucked now"
agression - "don't fuck with me buddy"
difficulty - "i don't understand this fucking question"
inquiry - "who the fuck was that"
dissatisfaction - "i don't like what the fuck is going on here"
incompetence - "he's a fuckoff"
dismissal - "why don't you go outside and go play hide and go fuck yourself"
with all these multipurpose applications, how can anyone be offended when you use this word?

Moving on... here's another argument from an e-mail i got from one who I will call... Disco Lou.

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider the following:

You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are timeswhen you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shitor a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creekwithout a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in abucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block ofthe English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit, or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do givea shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head..........

Well, Shit Happens!!!

There you have it.

I find it amazing how a few words with such diversity are frowned upon when they come out in a sentence in particular groups. They have sufficient meaning and diversity to be incorporated in almost every sentence, yet because they have been labelled a "curse" or "improper", we are left to use it in private conversation. Fuck the mother-fuckers who shit on the many definitions of the diverse language of English. If you know the meaning behind what you are saying and do so tastefully, there ought not be any taboo's on what word you use.

War of the World

Mother Nature is pissed of.
Quit shitting in her yard.

It's like the neighbor's dog that shits in your yard, after enough times, you get mad enough and will do anything to get rid of that nuisance.
We are that dog.

Expect the end of humanity in about 27 years.

Global warming, pollution, and by doing everything we can to poison the Earth. We are the infection, the flu Mother Nature is experiencing right now. Humanity has moved from a symbiotic organism, to the parasite which tries to take over, because we do.

Mother Nature went to her doctor, got some antibiotics, and is drinking lots of fluids. She loves her OJ.

Typhoons, hurricanes, flooding, melting glaciers, to the deteriorating of Mother Nature's protective bubble (ozone layer).
We are at war with Nature, which turns into the survival of the fittest, and we are going to lose this battle. She's survived much worse than us. Before Mother Nature intervenes, humanity will probably destroy itself. Maybe it's better, or more suiting, that way.

This is a conglomerate of (modified) lyrics by some of my favorite musicians plus a few 'Dirty Originals.'
This is an ode to "The War of the World against the Parasites."

I'm screaming revenge again
I've been wrong for far too long
Been constantly so frustrated
I've moved mountains with less
When I channel my hate to productive
I don't find it hard to impress

I feel a conquering will down inside me

Twisting your mind
I'm pulling your strings
Smashing your dreams
Blinded by me
You can't see a thing

Compromise, conformity
assimilation, submission
Ignorance, hypocrisy
brutality, the elite

The end is growing near
And we're treading water now
And holding back our tears
And the day is rising, we're sinking

Goodbye mom
Goodbye dad
Goodbye brothers
And my sisters

There's a little fear, It's showing
Not so tough anymore
Feel a sickness and it's growing
Not so proud anymore

Caught between the ones you love,
And the one who would destroy you
Caught between the madness and confusion of deception
You just close your eyes.

You should have known better
Should have seen
Now you lie dead
Your last moment on knees

Praying to your God
Which divided you from neighbor
Embrace the coldness
When you should have
Embraced our wholeness


For legal purposes, here's the credit, because it is due. What I have written does not reflect those of the groups or persons involved in the writing process of the songs, unless of course, they agree otherwise. They can let me know any time if they do. Great stuff.

Pantera - "Mouth for War"
Metallica - "Master of Puppets"
Rage Against the Machine - "Know your Enemy"
Ben Folds - "The Last Polka"
Filter - "My Long Walk to Jail"
(hed) pe - "Half the Man"

Would you care for some opinion with your beer?

Turns out I talk too much.
Turns out I voice my opinion too much.
Turns out I listen too much.

Noone told me this, I've had an epiphany.
There has to be a happy median.

Next time you are "having a conversation" make a note of some key elements of the conversation.
1) The topic: why we converse.
2) What is being said (if you are the listener) and conversely What are you trying to say (if you are the speaker).
3) Response: how you react to what is being said, or what the reaction is to what you say.
4) Continuation from step 1: either the topic is the same, or you move along until you eventually start talking about the weather (ie conversation is now dead).

Now, how much do you participate in each part.

• Do you have something to say (and does it really apply to the topic);
• do you (really) listen;
• do you do only one;
• do you do both; or
• none of the above.

What bugs me, is there is no happy median. My epiphany is non-existent with a few exceptions. Let me tell you about that since I have your attention.

Think about these questions right now, and think about these questions the next time you are "engaging in conversation" with someone.

1. Do you really care about what people are talking to you about? (besides entertainment value, or you need to know what is being said for work or perhaps school)
2. Does this person really care what I have to say?
3. Does this person really know what they are talking about? (full of shit/stretching the truth/just want to be heard)
4. (How or) Will this be important in the near future?
5. What is the reason (motive) behind the conversation?
6. Can you give some advice/your opinion? (...how honest do you want me to be/will that hurt you by knowing the truth?)
7. etc... etc... etc...

I guess this comes up in all areas of life. Why do we converse, exchange words?

My example is from being a bartender. (Remember this the next time you go anywhere and talk to staff.)

There's a guy named Mark (not my buddy Marc, I like when my friends come in) that comes in and sits down at the bar. Annoying as fuck, but a nice guy. Let me tell you why.

If you come to me when I am working, I will listen to your story, and I will listen with genuine interest. The next time you come in, I know who you are and where you are coming from. We can now have a conversation based on what I know, and what you know I know about you.

Now here's where Mark comes into the picture.

He continues to talk,.... and talk. This is not a conversation. This is wanting to be heard, and this is where I have to draw the line. When someone talks your ear off with no point to the 'conversation' you lose interest and fast.

I'm a bartender because it is my job title. I give you wicked service ("cheap" drinks for friends), and I get paid minimum wage & gratuities based on that service.

Psychologists have a degree and it is their job to listen to life problems. They get paid in the hundreds of dollars per day (hour?).

To put it out there, if you come into my work I will listen to you talk, so long as you give me $75 for every hour that you sit there, otherwise I don't give two shits (unless you are a friend of course). That's cheaper than a shrink, I'll still feed you drinks, and I'll even look interested.

Anyways, that was a long story, thanks for sticking around for it.

Your next drink is on the house for listening to my one-sided 'conversation.'

Been a while, no?

Does anyone out there still read this verbal diarrhea? Well, I ate some chili and I have some new splatters for you.

Humans have three things they do, and I believe this applies to everything you do in your lifetime.

1. Humans look for patterns.
2. Humans require reasoning for such patterns in #1.
3. Humans take some form of action towards what they perceive from #1&2
4. D) all of the above.

Let me put this into perspective for you, gentle reader, even though it might already make sense to you.

Time for some role-playing. You have your sieve helmut and aluminum foil sword ready?

Someone calls you saying there was something to do, and the last three times they called, you had said "no" to this person. This now turns into a re-occuring pattern since you had said "no" 3 times. What does the caller think? What are the odds they would expect you to say "no" again? My obvious guess would have to say the chances are pretty good, going from pattern.

Off to point #2. The reason is the most difficult part to identify. How does the caller perceive this? Do you think they would feel denial, disappointment, or happy you didn't come out, etc., etc.. Basically the reasoning of the pattern is held to the individual person and how they perceive each situation from their experiences.

The action is the easiest result from every situation. Here's a situation: you get a burn from every time you touch a hot stove-top, the pattern turns out to be a 3rd degree burn on your hand every time you touch the stove-top, the reason is because the stove-top is hot, resulting in your action of stopping your hand before you touch the hot burner because you know this will cause you pain. The decision is either acceptance, or denial. Either you accept the fact that the stove-top is hot, or you make excuses as to why you keep getting burns. Either way, you make a choice, and that choice is action, or in-action (which is a choice in itself).

The last point is all of the above. Self explainitory... or is it. If you cannot recognize any patterns, either you are not breathing (ie: dead), or you have no observation skills, or you are just plain stupid. Then again, if you cannot recognize any kind of pattern, maybe you aren't human... unable to think rationally, surprisingly still able to breathe (thank God for natural bodily reflexes. I'd buy him a beer if he was real/if i meet him/her/it)

I found this pretty interesting.

This was an article I heard on CJOB 680. This an editorial called From… Luther’s Dorr Step. The website I am sourcing this from is http://www.unioneagle.com/2004/july/29dorr.html and it is very interesting indeed.

Hopefully I credited it well enough to avoid and copyright infringments. If I did not credit it fully and you recognize that, please let me know and I will change it promptly.

How did the kids of '40s, '50s, '60s survive?

If you were a kid in the ’40s, ’50s and ’60s, or perhaps even the ’70s, you may recall some of what is to follow. The ideas came across my desk a few weeks ago in a piece titled, “How did people over the age of 35 ever make it?”

That may be an exaggeration but, for example: “We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.”

There’s something to be said for that. In those decades mentioned, in most little towns you could find kids playing baseball in a vacant lot, often being late for meals and often playing until it was dark.

There was such a lot in Princeton over by the railroad tracks on the west side of town where, if you hit it over the tracks, it was a homer. Kids played there all day, day after day after day. Tell me the last time you saw that in Princeton.

And when those kids took time out to play summer baseball in the morning on the South Elementary fields, it was just kids. There were no parents or grandparents sitting on the sidelines, coolers and all, and the league went for seven or eight weeks instead of five. Now we’re more organized.

“We didn’t have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99-cent channels on cable, video tape movies, Surround Sound, cell phones, personal computers or Internet chat rooms.”

So true, so true! And the kids still turned out OK and found things to do.

Or, “We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones!”

I remember not necessarily going home just because the street lights came on. You could still play catch, or shoot baskets, or even catch and throw a football. I remember a baseball going through a window one night and all of us running. And I remember banging into a car one night while running a post pattern but still hanging onto the football.

How about this one: “We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.”

Not that there’s anything wrong with bottled water. Most of us are probably jealous that we didn’t think of putting water into a bottle and then selling it. But it was a simple thing to grab that hose, if not as politically correct as the water bottle is today.

“We had friends. We went outside and found them. We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball really hurt.”

Dodge ball, or trench as it was also called, became politically incorrect when coed physical education classes began in Princeton schools. In fact, there was one Princeton phy ed instructor who hated to see that happen and he told the boys it was OK to throw the ball at girls, or at the class bullies.

“We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door, or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.”

Imagine doing that today.

“We fell out of trees and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?”

Or this: “Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that.”

Or this: “Our baby cribs were covered with bright-colored, lead-based paint.”

Does any of this ring true? Or, to those of you who weren’t kids in those decades, does it make us sound old?

Trouble is, those things are all true. How did we ever make it?

No news...

is good news, albeit boring.

Summer classes are crazy and are doing a good job in kicking my ass.

I've had little time to do anything else but my studies, work, eat, and sleep.
(with the occasional Friday night bender...)

For equilibrium,
Work must be relatively equal to Party.

Take care for now, I'll have some free time to write soon.
Dirty

Think about it...

Why do people remember bad situations more clearly than they would their happiest?

Enough about me...

...let's talk about me!

Okay, here's something new.

If you've been keeping up with this online diary, you know a lot about me. Probably more than one should know about a person unless you've been married for 50 years.

Who ever talks about this kind of material?
I really don't think anyone does.

Maybe it's a fear to let people know your true feelings, and to voice your inner conflicts. You might come across this blog by chance, but it is more than likely that you are someone I know. Every time I see someone I know, I ponder to myself, do they know what I wrote, what I'm thinking? Obviously if I was uncomfortable with that, I would not keep writing these pieces.

I stare this person in the eyes, either not knowing much about the person, or knowing a little bit, or knowing a lot. I only know a few people very well.

This is not a guilt trip into trying to get one to talk about sensitive material. When you are comfortable, and if the topic comes up, I'm sure you would share your experience. My deal is that a person might have a great sense of who I am and where I am coming from. I will not say that this makes me uncomfortable, but it makes me question where I stand, and sometimes (if you can believe it) with nothing to say.

This is my return to you, gentle reader.

You have taken the time to listen to my ongoing story by reading this blog.
Thank you for that.

I'm offering my patience to hear your story if you ever need an ear.

Anything goes. Everything stays.
(Explaination upon request)

Trust in honesty.

Last words which I just told a friend of mine.

I looked up honesty in the thesaurus. Some of the synonyms which came up were:
bluntness, fairness, faithfulness, to be genuine, goodness, honor, loyalty, morality, openness, outspokenness, reputability, responsibility, right, self-respect, sincerity, straightforwardness, trustworthiness, truthfulness, and virtue.

Honesty is not something to be taken lightly. If someone is honest with you, you should respect and value these traits, even if it hurts.

Honesty is something which most state they have, but few hold the capability to be able to deliver it, and receive it when asked for an 'honest opinion.' I believe everyone deserves the right to know the honesty of any situation they are in, as it is the least one human can offer another, but sometimes it can be the most difficult to take and understand.

My name, Curtis, means patience which is another word I looked up. My tattoo on my back is based on this term and was the beginning of the idea. I only needed to decide on a character to rightly resemble the term and I found it with the gargoyle which some of you have seen.

The word patience has the synonyms of:
backbone, calmness, composure, constancy, diligence, fortitude, guts, heart, humility, perseverance, persistence, poise, resignation, restraint, self-control, serenity, and tolerance.

Patience is a trait which is developed over experience and mentality. For one to hold the status of having patience must have the ability to (really) listen, to be able to hold their composure, and that are willing to wait for things to come their way.


My 'honesty' tattoo will be coming soon after I finish my 'patience' tattoo.

I have pushed a reset button.

From this day forward, I'm free.
Unfortunately, this does not come without consequence for myself, and those around me.

I have published a blog previously about not being able to make a choice between many options. I have made a choice, and it is e) none of the above. Who falls into this category? Everyone.

I am sorry.

I could not commit to one person prior to this posting, because if I were to, I would not be thinking solely of the one person who was involved with me in the relationship.
Therefore my undivided attention would not be spent on one person, and with that, I would not be true to the one person, and I would not be true to myself.

That's not all truth. I would have committed to one person. I've put one woman in front of all others for the last three years. Just recently I came to terms that it wasn't mutual, and therefore I went through the stages of denial, and just recently I've hit "acceptance". A 'finality of a situation' if you will. Nothing is going to happen.

I have pushed a reset button in regards to relationships, and this is my apology for that, and to those individuals who I might have mislead in this process.

• I'm sorry that I did not give you a chance.
• I'm sorry that I have to end something before it could even start to flourish.
• I'm sorry that, until now, I have unknowingling mislead you to believe something could have happened.
• I'm sorry that I have to start everything from the beginning.
  

I have to do this for myself so I don't fall into a similar situation as before, and because the smallest respect I can give to another is the truth.

My truth to you, gentle reader, is that I have mislead myself, and with some help, I hope never to do the same again.

Until it happens to you

You will never truely know how you will feel.

Recently I have come to realization that my family is not invulnerable.

In the last few days my father has been in the hospital due to heart problems. There's no need to go into details, but some major changes have and are going to happen in the family because of it.

You hear all the time about an ailing person, one with cancer, diseases, or varying degrees of sickness. That topic was foreign to me until a little while ago. This brings a new light, a new appreciation, respect, and understanding for those going through serious health complications, and the family members going through the ordeal of witnessing a loved one struggle.

Essentially, it blows. The feeling of helplessness has not been more present in my life until now. One wants to help, but there is nothing one can do except be around for moral support, and to trust in the profession which is the doctor. And because of this, I have a renewed respect for doctors. Not only do they have the pressure of taking care of their patients, but they also have the pressure of making sure a family stays a family (ie. not losing a family member).

This is the time where 'faith' and one's belief in it comes into the scene.
I have faith the doctor is looking out for my father and my father's best interest.
I have faith that everything will be fine.

Do yourself a favor, and tell those you love how you feel about them.
You don't know if they'll be around tomorrow.

It's been a while.

Dear gentle reader,

I apologize for the length of time it has taken me to write. I have found myself in a position where I have lots to write about, but nothing to say. Either that or I cannot express the right words to say how I am feeling.

Some words I can now say with finality are, "Never again."
Some of these words you will not understand, gentle reader, unless you ask for the reason why.

Never again, will I:

• spend so much emotion on something which hasn't been reciprical.
• get to a point where I become incoherent to the point of being selfish.
• pass up a great opportunity which might never come across my path again.
• wear socks while wearing sandals.

There is so much more I could add (even for this online diary) which is too personal and that I do not wish to disclose at this point in time. These are just a few pledges which I will keep from this day on. If you know me, this is a request to make sure I keep those promises.

I do not know when I will add to this blog next, but I will.

Take care until next time gentle reader.

From the author of this blog,
and
Your friend,

Curtis

Feel free to comment.

I thought I had left open the choice to comment or not. Obviously not since it wasn't open for non-registered Blogger users.

Well, good news, now it is open to the general public, but I do have some rules.

I willingly accept any positive criticism, and your thoughts towards what is written.
Profanity is accepted so long as it is in good taste, for emphasis, and/or it suits your style.

But I will not accept slander or negative feedback in any form, and if you do choose that option, I will promptly delete your comments and any which you put on in the future.

I hope you enjoy what I have written, and what will be written in the near future.
Your continual support keeps me going.

Thanks for reading, and I look forward to any input.
Curtis

Tonight I do not sleep ....

I feel obligated
to write something
after telling someone
I would.

The pressure is on.
I'd like to say
that I won't do it
but I can't do it.

This is why
my writing
will never be
a profession,
the pressure gets to me.

That, and
it really doesn't have
a personal attachement
when you try
to force something out.

That personal meaning
is my muse
which is why
I am able to write
in the beginning.

So gentle reader
you will wait
until my muse is back
before you read
any new installment

But i need to say
thank you, gentle reader
for being my muse
helping me out
find who i am
who you are
without combined effort
this is for nothing

Communication is key.

Someone said that communication is key to a successful relationship.
This is true, probably one of the most important factors.

I had an moment of enlightenment tonite, and this is my revelation to you, gentle reader.

I have never had a long term relationship. When I say long term, I mean for more than a month and a half.

Why is that?
The only relationship I really know is based on momentary passion. Lust if you will. That's all fine and dandy, some people go through these kinds of stages, some don't. Cool beans.

What do I really want?
A long term relationship, to be loved, to love.

What's my problem?
Too many choices. At this point in time, there are 5 women who are interested (that I know of) in having relations with me, and it's mutual in all cases (again, which I know of).
I say this without ego, nor am I trying to point out something to make myself feel better, contrairy to that fact, it makes me feel worse.

The point I am trying to make is that I can not decide.

I'm trying to get it out of my head that there is no "one" woman for me. To quote my father, "You start off as two people, and by sharing with each other, you end up as one."

Now, that's sounds pretty bad that I have a 'pick of the litter' as some people go their whole lives not having that option. Every day I meet so many new people, that those options keep growing, and in my mindset, I don't want to go out with a woman, if there is the possibility that the 'one' might show up.

Already haven eaten my foot, I will insert the other.

What am I doing by searching for this "one"?
This is what I have to say about that last comment. By spending so much time trying to find the 'perfect companion' I have passed up so many opportunities to have relations with a lot of amazing women. Really, what's better than the perfect one? Nothing... everyone is below that 'perfect' status and that is not fair. Not fair to those I have encountered, and not fair to myself.

I hate that fact, and I am trying to change that.

Now my 'moment of elightenment' comes into effect with the topic of communication.

Why have I not had a long-term relationship?
Here's the real reason. Communication.

I have woken up next to a woman, and had nothing to say to her. It's pretty bad when both parties are talking to the cat because they have nothing to say to each other (here's a side revelation: I hate cats). I have also spent a lot of time just talking to women, and usually those are the ones I am most attracted to. If conversation is always around, communication is solid, then sex is just an added perk.

There's more to this, there will always be more, but that's all I can put down for now.

Maybe I'm looking too far ahead.
Maybe I'm doing just fine.
I dunno, tomorrow's another day.

What if...

you died tomorrow?

Before I continue, I'd like to state that I have no death wish, I am not about to commit suidide (nor has that thought crossed my mind), I am not depressed, I'm only writing this to expand one's mind, that would be mine and your's, gentle reader.

So really, what if you died tomorrow? Would you be happy with what you have done with your life, or would you be on your death bed asking for a second chance?

Lots of perception on this topic, but really, two results come of it. Regret or acceptance. On your death bed, what would you be thinking? That might be a bad question to ask, but it's one I ask myself all the time.

Really, do you wish you could have done something better, or do you accept the fact that you made a choice.

I'll throw out some examples.

Would you ask yourself why you didn't forward that memo to your boss about something important?
Would you ask yourself why you didn't lie so much?
Would you ask yourself why you didn't travel before you went to school?
Would you ask yourself why you stayed with someone, who in turn, made you miserable every day?
Would you ask yourself...

or...

Would you lie on your death bed saying that there was nothing I could have done to make myself happier as I have learned from all of my experiences and those shared with me, and made myself into a better person.

Weird thought huh.

Why wait until your death bed to find out if you regret something?

Live life with no regrets.
Life life to the fullest.
When I say fullest, I mean to be happy and to have done everything that you are able to in the limited time we call life.

That is all for the moment.

Say Hello to Spring

Alright, i had a few days to ponder over it, and I guess I lied. I don't have a two part series, I was able to condense it down.


Here's a song to sing along to.

If you're miserable and you know it clench your hands

If you hate your job, go and tell off the "man"

If your life sucks so bad and you want to show you're mad
(already shows, and everyone knows)

Just quit now so you don't feel so bad.

I wrote this while sitting on the john. To be named after something always full of shit is a pretty funny thought.
Was that a pot-shot? You be the judge.

For a change of pace, I figured that I have been writing about my feelings on a certain topic, but (correct me if I am mistaken and already have done this) this time I'm going to rant.

Here goes another installment of my Ode's to something. The first one is on my Diary of an Air Traffic Control Student called "Something for the Know-it-all" at


"Something for the 'Job-Haters'"

if you hate your job
just quit now and do us a favor
everyone knows it so don't try and hide the fact
you are not coping out as it's just not you
sind a new line of work as
someone will fill your shoes
don't worry about the next job
it will come your way
you'll still be miserable
tomorrow and the next 10 years
if you don't leave now
i'll leave you to your life of dispair
wouldn't you rather be happy than sad
same shit different day, does waking up make you mad?
that really shouldn't have to be
no one wants to deal with someone
wearing a perma-frown
what about tomorrow - what about the bills?
who gives a shit, are you happy
whatever happens know that something will come up
life's not perfect and never bonifide
find your true work as you are still young
Time is on your side.


I was inspired to write this last week.

I met a guy outside, inbetween my classes, while having a cig and vented to me like one friend would to another.
He hates his job and I heard everything that goes along with that.

To quote a Headstones lyric, "Some of your best friends, are people you just met." Funny how some people let you know how their life is when you take the time to listen. The time it takes to smoke a cigarette is more than enough time to hear it all.

You know, the next time I'm on the bus, I'm going to see if someone really listens to me and offers me some advice. I'll let you all know how that turns out.

Coming Soon...

My first ever 2 part blog. It's big.

Do you believe?

I was going to write some hurtful words because a hurtful situation has come up in the life of a friend. I don't need to say what it is but it's obviously not cool.

I was talking to my mother about the situation, and to my surprise, she calmed me down. She told me that you are just as bad and inconsiderate as the person(s) involved in the hurtful situation if you say bad stuff.

So I changed my plan, and here are some different words.
In my words I believe in the following:

Things happen for a reason
Sometimes it just takes
a little push
to get you moving
in the right direction.

That little push might hurt
and that push
might take some time to heal
but at the end of the day
you are better off

It's better to have
a some hurtful thing
happen earlier on
instead of fifteen years
down the road

Don't fret and especially
~do not regret~
everything that has come to be
you are better off in the end
than those who hurt you

What counts the most is
Some true friends
are not always around
but, they will always be there
to stand by your side
when it counts the most

Amen.

Who reads this crap anyways?

For real.

Who are you?

What is your claim to fame?

Do my deepest and darkest thoughts benefit you by any means?

Do these jeans make my ass look fat?

Rap vs. Rock

Tonight i went out with my great friend Nathan (and by association, his wife Natalie, also a great friend, don't let the brackets confuse).

With them I saw my first ever live rap show, starring The Game (from 50 cent's G-Unit). First off. If a someone famous gives themself a value less than a dollar, I question the value of themselves, alongside the amount they charge for their show. The fact i had box seats (thanks for the invite) for no charge, was cool. The fact that I don't think i got my money's worth, says another thing.

Now, due to many facts which I will point out in a bit, I will never watch another live rap show live again, even if it is free, and if I do have a prime seat.

This is my live show critique.
Rap vs. Rock - Con's vs Pro's

Rock = Pro's

- They don't show up late
- There are pyrotechnics, I don't care who you are, fire makes things cooler and way more exciting
- Most of the band members have instruments which equal musical talent.
- Guitars occupy your hand movements
- They will cater to the fans, that equals more fan involvement (that is huge)

Rap = Con's

- They show up late, time doesn't really matter, but when your fans are waiting an extra half an hour, it shows you really don't care or that you are trying too hard to be cool. Regardless, people spend their hard earned cash to see their favorite artist. Respect their time.
- No flash to their show. It's boring. Five guys running around with towels in their hands isn't really something I'm wanting to see unless I'm at the gym. At least the guys at the gym have a use for their towels.
- Hand movements. I guess that is where the towels/t-shirts come from. Why does it take five guys to say "uh," "yea'," "word," "throw yo' hands up!" when one can fill that position? Put a guitar, sintar, flute, i don't care what, into those other four posse members' hands and pump out some musical worth, otherwise wasted time and effort comes from them.
- Rap artist's do cater to the fans, only when it's okay with that rap aritist. As a fan of music, that sucks ass. The fans should base what your actions are.
And why is someone head-lining a major event when they only have one album? One fucking album! How the fuck can you be a headliner when you don't even have ninety minutes worth of material???? You are a baby! You should be playing at Cowboys!

Why do local/home grown artists open for another artist when that artist has less material than the local "guys"? In my eyes, that's total bull-shit. The person/group with the more albums out should be headlining. Makes sense, does it not? I dunno, maybe I am patriotic.

Seems like I am more prone to the rock than I am to the rap. Maybe I am more prone to the deserving than I am to the famous. I'm all about the underdog. The fact remains that I would drop $100 no question to go and see and promote K-OS, a canadian rap artist, as opposed to "The Game", a G-Unit (a 50 Cent member) product which I saw for free, but would ask for my money back if i were to ever see again.

Maybe I am biased.
Rock vs. Rap.

In my mind, rap has nothing on rock. Maybe I am too concerned on time, but when if i were to spend $80 plus on a ticket, i would want the artist (i don't care who it is) to be punctual, and to bring all they had and more than my money's worth. If one person is willing to drop a quarter of their paycheck on a certain band (nevermind drinks, or weed, or whatever party favors) it had better be worth their while.

Besides the point. It is me, it is you, it is the fan, which makes the artist rich.

Exception to the rule

Or as it may be in this case, to a law.

Now i spurted off "an original quote" about taking all things into consideration. This is true.

But my exception to my own rule is that sometimes when you are living in a moment, you may not realize what you are doing, nor the consequences. Both what i had mentioned earlier, and what i mention now, are true. It just took a bit to realize that.

I was happy to associate two quotes/laws together. I felt smart. Then i realized that having stated that i added a "personal feel" to the quote, i was stepping into the shoes of a hypocryte.

Here's an explaination:
I am a nice guy
I do take most (if not all) things into consideration before acting I am human, which means I can have two left feet on the dance floor of life. "To err is to be human."
I refrain from calling my past "possibly inconsiderate actions" a mistake, because they were not mistakes. ~Any of them~
I had my head in the clouds not to have thought things through whatever the situation was. (Is that really a bad thing? Think about it the next time you are experiencing a "moment" where nothing else matters but the next second, if you can.)

On the flip side of that, I enjoyed the events, the memories good and bad, the experience, the people in my presence, the moment.

So watch as I will surely continue to dance with my two left feet, and continue to stumble all over the dance floor, thank you very much.

Many strive to, but nobody is the perfect dancer.
If you are, that means you are an alien, or on Dance 360... that's good viewing. (Yo! Yo! When you hear the DJay scratch the beat, you scream Tag yo' man! Tag yo' man! ~~Erlyn -- Channel 59, dunno time though..)
Cool beans, I know some that would be interested in meeting you.

Mr. Murphy

He's very close to me, even though he is non-existant.
I'd like to share some of his laws.

Nothing is as easy as it looks.
~
If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
~
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
~
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
~
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
~
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
~
Every solution breeds new problems.
~
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.


Mr. Murphy sticks his nose into everything no matter who you are, and what situation you are in.

It seems like my life is based on Murphy's Laws, maybe that's my problem. In almost every situation I head into, i side on overkill with preparation rather than jumping into the unknown. Writing that, yes, the unknown scares me, but it also intrigues me. I really do not know what it is like havnig a leap of faith without having considered the possibilities. That goes for all aspects of my life.
I was taught to plan ahead and look to the future (long term). I really don't think i have looked day by day, and let chance lead me to any kind of result.

That scares me. I dunno why. Maybe I am a control freak, but in turn i am very relaxed in any (most) situation(s) and let things happen they way they will.

A famous law from Mr. Murphy, "Nice guys finish last."

Here's something that i found.
Lyon's Law of Hesitation: "He who hesitates is last."

Maybe Mr. Murphy and his laws have a flaw.

Here's my original quote based on association and personal experience, "Nice guys hesitate because they have taken everything into consideration, even if that means to let someone they love leave their arms because they might seem happier in someone else's."

Damn technology, damn it to the end.

I had written about 1hr 15mins worth of material and then my comp froze. I'll try to sum it up in a tenth of the time.

I love my friends and family. Without you i would not have any hope in humankind.

Study notes on what I had written:
Fuck society.
Fuck technology, I hope someone somehow destroys the internet. What would you do/where would you be without the internet? (Think about it)

I hope that people realize and embrace common sense.

I hope people realize the difference between positive and negative, and which one really matters in the end.

I hope people will learn what respect is.

I hope that everyone can find happiness.

I hope i will be able to share my happiness with another.
~~~~~~~
Life is a learning lesson, only you are able to grade yourself.

Summary:
Thank you for being around to help me put up with the world.

Valentine's Day

Halmark Holiday, or a day to appreciate a loved one?

Why base your affection for a person solely on a single day of the year?
One day out of the week, my friend would cook dinner for his lady, that was a way to show his affection.
Now... 52 weeks in the year right? That's 51 more times than Valentine's Day. Miss one week of the year and it's no problem, guarenteed it's redeemed next week with sirloin steaks and shrimp, with lobsters and garlic butter as appitizers. But God forgive you if you miss the 14th as it's an important date.

I don't think so. "Halmark Holiday's" are a marketting scam.

I recently found out about plagarism in Uni., so here's a quote which i give full credit to a monthly email i receive from t-shirthell.com (let me know if i mis-spelled that), "Eat a box of expensive chocolates and then stick your finger down your throat, Mary-Kate that chocolate right back into the box, then go find Cupid and shove his quiver full of arrows up his ass."

Happy 14 February 2005.

Tip your male server the same you would your female one.

The honest server
The asshole server
The queer server
The attentive server
The ladies man server
The order taking server
The "i'm ignoring you" server
The witty server
The "give you a little friendly attitude" server
The friend server
The therapist server
The sarcastic server
The mediator server
The debator server
The "It's all about you" server
The "What in the fuck do you want from your server" server
The "All of the Above" server
-and lastly-
The "How i would want to be served" server

Fact: All those are me. I've tried everything.
Fact: I still get at least 20 - 30% less than the shittiest female server counterpart who doesn't know shit about shit.

Question: Why?
Think real hard on that. If you have an answer for that, let me know.

Exception: Having sweet T & A doesn't qualify as an answer.

Words to my inaction.

"I'm afraid to get close to people.
I don't know how to do it.
I don't know how you are supposed to do it."

-James Hetfield-
From Metallica's documentary "Some Kind of Monster"

I've never been able to put such simple words to myself. It hit home because it's true. How do you approach something you've never been able to.

Thoughts = Insomnia

Ever try to fall asleep, or try to focus your attention on a task, but you can' because you have something on your mind? Try to think of another thing, or try and hide the thought, try thinking about nothing (or not thinking even). Just makes it worse and you can't stop thinking about it. I wonder if that's the brain's natural spite, or that it's a sign you need to deal with it. Maybe i shouldn't think about it too hard, might loose sleep over it.

I need to put something out there so i can get back to homework.

"The greatest evil is the indifference of good men." - Priest from Boondock Saints.

Good words to live by, but when do you cross the line from helping/what you think is helping, to overstepping your boundaries and trying to enforce your morals into a situation.

Or is there a middle point to all this.
By saying your piece, and leaving the end result/decision to the person the comment was directed at might be all that's needed.

Here's my piece.

Went out w/a friend (who i will call Beauty) I hadn't seen in a long time, and her friends. Had a great night, lots of fun.
One of her friends (who i will call Beast, she's not one, but it leads up into a dumb metaphor i have brewing) has a rough history, getting into all kinds of crowds.
Now Beauty cares a lot about her friend, as a good friend does. Recently Beauty and Beast moved in together, Beauty thinking she can help Beast turn over a new leaf.
Great start, best place for recovery is in the company of someone who cares and wants to help.
Now, Beauty is on the fence on a lot of topics because she doesn't want to offend or drive away one of her long time friends by saying something. This is where my thought above comes in.
Beauty voices her disapproval of the situation to me, but is not saying anything to Beast, not acting, nor do i think she ever will. That is a decision made. Life goes on.
(How's that for faith, truth can be hurtful, and sometimes needed.)
So Beast goes on doing what she knows best, seemingly content, but it's destructive on her emotionally and physically. Her eyes show what she won't let her face say.

*Flashback!* (to the night we went out.)
Sitting in the basement, playing some cards, drinking a beer, and i see a tiny bag with white contents move across the room. I'm watching it pass by and change hands. "Oh Curtis is cool" F-en rights i am. Why was that said... hmm... ah doing some "rails" i see. I put it out of my mind. That shit won't hit my bloodstream. That's fact. I have no problem with substance abuse/usage, because i know it won't affect me, only the persons doing it. Oh wait, by relation, it does affect me on another level.

So Beauty goes for it.
I'm thinking wow, looks like Beauty is on the path of the Beast. (Lots of history not being mentioned as to reasons/actions, etc) Maybe Beauty has become the Beast, maybe it's too late. There's your metaphor.
Seems to me like it might be hard to aide one in the recovery of something, when you begin to justify their actions by becoming involved in it. Makes sense no? Maybe not,

This is where intevention becomes questionable, you care enough to say something, but you don't want to push them away. I figure there are two outcomes of speaking your mind in this situation, the first is recovery, the second is the hiding of the issue so the topic is never brought up again.

Do what you like, but as soon as I see it becoming a harmful tradition, expect an intervention. I'd expect every one of you to do the same for me. It's not because my opinion states you shouldn't be doing it, it's because someone cares about you and your mental/physical health.

It's because I like you.
If i didn't like you, you wouldn't hear anything.

Quotes and Advice

Well, i have the attention span of someone who doesn't have much of an attention span. I asked for some quotes/pieces of advice which i was going to incorporate into my autobiography, and since I got bored with that, whoever reads this, midaswell take advantage of the things which were told to me.

So here goes. If you see it and recognize your own, this is kind of my tribute to your words for the rest of the (Internet) world to see.

For reasons of responsibility and by my word, I said that i would not credit those for their contribution. If you would like some credit, post a comment about your saying, and if you'd like to justify it, write your name so you get that credit. All i've done here, is play messenger, and taken some of the best words i have received, and given them to those who might not have heard them before.

*Here goes, the list starts... now*

"don't get involved with someone who has a more screwed life or more problems than you have."
side note: and i guess if you think about it - if you ever live with that mantra then that means that you're the one who is more fucked up than your partner. and having said that...you have to then find someone who doesn't live by this quote.

"Do on to others as you would have them do on to you."
*Dirty says* - makes sense no?

"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but few will capture your heart, these are the things to persue, these are the things worth treasuring."

"I expect to pass through this world only once, so any kindness I can show, or goodness I can do, let me do now, for I shall not pass this way again."

"There are two ways of dealing with difficulty, you alter the difficulty, or you alter yourself to meet the difficulty. (Change the situation, or change your attitude toward the situation)"
*Dirty says* - Not too many people will take responsibilty for the situation they have put themselves in. I'm one of of those.

"If you never attempt more than what you have already mastered, you will never grow."

"Every event of every day, you have a choice, regardless of the event, you have an opportunity to learn from it, grow from it, and become better because of it."

"Every moment of every day you make a choice as to whether to be happy or not. Accept all hardships, you are not alone in them. Everyone falls on hard times, but your true character and strength comes out, not when all is well, but when you are faced with adversity."
*Dirty says* - this was sent to me, it hits home as it's true to the word.

"Life is far too important to be taken seriously. Why bother living if its not fun!!! If you screw up just laugh. Say for instance, you fall down some stairs at a party ... If you run away all embarrassed everyone will say ... what a loser ... but if you laugh ... everyone will laugh with you and it will be forgotten."

"1. Best way to get over someone (like a breakup of a realationship) is to get under someone (Have sex!! or get a new boo).
2. anybody can learn from their own mistakes. It is when you learn from other people's mistakes that is something. (can't really remember how that goes. But I am pretty close)
3. And this last one is from my parents, which they have been telling me from the dawn time (seems like). Because you're black "son" you have two strikes aganist you. Which means you have to work that much harder to get what you want out of life. A little side note... My sister has 3 strikes aganist her because she is a female."

"If you smell burnt almonds for no apparent reason, get out of the room, it's poison gas. Gaseous cyanide actually."
*Dirty says* - I'll give credit to Ben So for having saved your life on this one. It could happen.

"Curtis B, use your people skills, you are wonderful with people. Use that shit and you will get places."
*Dirty says* - Thanks Tara (under some kind of influence), I'm back in school for that reason. That comment helped solidify it.

"Dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listning, love like you have never been hurt, and do not let anyone make you feel inferior."

"Follow your heart, and let nobody make any decisions for you. Happiness is a heartbeat away from the actions that you are willing to take to get there and the willingness to sacrifice your pride, image, and what others think of you. A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step! As soon as you question why you are in a certain place, re-evaluate why you are there and conclude how to get out or stay in it. Ask yourself one question - IS IT WORTH IT?, if not get out as quickly as you can because misery is right around the corner."
*Dirty says* - strong words from a strong woman

"The best piece of advice I've got was probably here. One nite I was in the gym and one of the military instructors started chatting to me. He was basically giving me an inspirational talk. He was saying that if you are giving everything you got to what you want to do, and you fail, than that is just not your path in life. He said that it is never the end of the world and there is always something else calling you, maybe you just haven't found it yet. Anyways, he said it in much greater words, but it feels good to live by that."
*Dirty says* - words from some military guy to someone previously under the influence

"the best advice I have ever gotten was live each day to the fullest no mattter what...... you never know when it will be your last"

"the best thing i've learned in life is to live life to it's fullest, meaning live like you were dying. eveything that you've ever dreamed you would never do,do! live, love, learn....

don't knock it until you've tried it...remember green eggs and ham??? try it try it you will see..."

"Do you have enough stories to tell your grandkids when you are older...you don't want to tell them all the same ones do you?"
*Dirty says* - i think this is one of the best ones. my grandma tells the same stories over and over again.

That's it from what i've heard.
There's room for feedback on your best quotations/pieces of advice/words of wisdom.

Since i have relayed it, i get to add some. A quote i have made up (if unintentionally stolen, i apologize now) is:
Silence says more than any words can.

23 going on 50

Waking up today i felt old.

My body didn't want to move when i told it to go, my eyes felt tired, each blink of the eye felt like there were little weights pulling down. My head throbbed, my mouth was dry, and my bladder yearned for immediate release. My alarm clock showed that sleep was going to be cut short, as i had not more than 10 minutes to get up, take the long road to a stop, where i had to catch my morning bus so i could get some education.

I keep learning about myself in the staircase of life, and it was just another step today. Hang-overs suck.

I went to my first staff x-mas party last night, and it was a good time. The beer was tasting great and had some good fun with people i have never associated with outside of work. Looking at it, i probably never will associate with most of them outside of work, because the party was at work. Did i lose you there? Right.

I went early thinking a short night was going to happen, since school was first thing in the morning and as of late, has become my first priority to myself.
Not so much. Seems it never does when you plan it that way.
Mr. Murphy changes his laws all the time.

One point in the night firmly stuck out to me. I was sitting at the bar-top talking with one of the waitresses, and the topic of relationships came up. It came in the back door right after talk of New Year's Eve parties left.

Her argument: "All guys are assholes." Fair enough. Care to back that up? Of course, the drink loosens the tongue. Here we go.

Her backup: "My boyfriend is an asshole who treats me like shit. All guys are assholes."
Having heard this before, there was no holds barred.

Q)Why are you with him
A)"Because i like him."
Q)Where did you meet him
A)"At the bar"
Q)So if you are being treated like a piece of trash, and you are complaining about it passionately, why bother
A)"I guess i like the bad boys"
Q)Do you think i'm an asshole?
A)"All guys are assholes."
Q)I guess there's nothing really left to talk about. I'm going for a smoke.
(not really a question)

Instructions: Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary. You will get guarenteed results. Sorry, your time is not refundable.
-I want that 20 minutes back-

Now this doesn't make sense to me. Perhaps it never will.
I don't thing i ever want to know or experience that.

Maybe she's right, maybe all guys are assholes. All asshole boyfriends are picked up at the bar. Then are all guys in the bar assholes? Logic would point to yes. Reason, and essentially opinion (being mine), would point to no.

I think i am on a crash course trying to understand people.
I will have lost my sanity long before gaining that knowledge.

Curtis version 4.3.81

This is my new online diary.

I started to write my autobiography to find out who i was, instead finding a lot of open-ended questions. The time that i spend writing it is so rare and spaced out, that when i do have time to write, i midaswell put it on here and save some effort.

To follow, are some topics, ideas, insight, etc on who i am becoming, who i was, and just everyday thoughts (everyday = anytime i jump online).

The next one i have already done, and it's a big one.
Topic, well.. you'll just have to read.

Hope everyone is doing great.
Keep an eye open for new material, chances are i'll be posting new stuff very frequently.

Do you realize what you have?

I was thinking one night, started writing, and this is what popped out. I think you should all take some time to appreciate what you have (have had), and by doing so, you can benefit from my story. It's chopped up and all over the place, but whatever. I learned something about myself by writing it, i hope you can take advantage of that as well.

Have you ever wanted something, more than anything you could have ever thought. I want something. The first of it’s kind in my world. It seems to be the most difficult to achieve, yet possibly most rewarding thing possible. I want a best friend. Not any best friend, someone I can share my life with, trust with all of my mind and body, someone who can share and trust me with the same (and not a dude).

I want to love and be loved. Seems like an easy thing to ask, but a much more arduous task to achieve. That is an experience I have yet to have felt, and one which I wish I will feel. I have been able to find a rare temporary release, the nice terminology for a lay, and that has been it. Been saying this next statement a lot lately, but only recently have I realized that I am maturing, and by that I mean the rare booty call is not my thing and does not satisfy my want for something more, in actuality, it never has.. Could it be that I need to be loved. Could that sound any more sappy? Probably not. I have never felt loved. That sappy statement is just a perspective.

"My Morning After Thoughts"

Why do I feel like a big pile of shit?
Shouldn’t I be happy that I was able to have some company, able to have sex?
Should I feel like I used the other?
or Should I feel used.

There has to be more to it than this.
I hope there is more to it than this.

Better to have loved and lost than have not loved at all. This is true, except to me. Am I looking for the perfect one? I shouldn’t be, life’s not perfect. But I am afraid to lose. I am afraid to put my emotions on the line without knowing the outcome is a favorable one. Reason for that is I have listened my whole life, and that has taken a lot out of me.

Why, everyone listens.

Great point!

Most of what I hear about relationships is the negative side of things, it puts you off the topic. I have heard a lot, and hear a lot about people’s hardships in relations, actually 95% of people complain when talking about relationships. That’s mostly what I hear. The occasional few have made some comments on the good things that go on, not too often you hear that though. So for one who hasn’t really experienced that much if anything in the field of relationships, I sure know what not to do, but I’m afraid to take the step and learn for myself. Who would want to? If most of what I hear is bad things, why would I put myself in a position to only deal with bad things (IE relationships).

It’s about the chase.

People want what they can’t have, and when they have it, it takes the spark out.

Famous words from someone who wrote them. Is it true? Sure. Take kids for example. If you run away from them, sometimes they chase you. Thing with kids is that they have endless energy, so when they do take bait and start to chase you, they’ll chase and chase up until you stop running and stand there, they get bored with you and move on to something else stimulating. I’ve been told by a person that is all they look for. The chase. They will go after the most agile of prey, and won’t stop until they get what they want, then leave the bones to dry in the noon day sun. So after feasting, who wants old meat sitting on old bones. It’s a dead topic. I find myself in this category on occasion. I’ll chase and chase, push and do everything in my power to persuade that I am the right one for the job. But when push comes to shove, where words turn into action, I stop and look for the fork in the road. Empty relationship, or possible love. It has never been the latter as of yet. Maybe those are just words from a pessimist. Maybe those are your words coming out of my mouth. Why am I so scared to take a chance? Tell you what, if you are in a relationship, or have been in the past, you are already a professional in the field.

I need help, plain and simple.

Here’s where I put a general comment out. If you have problems with your relationship, sure it’s okay to have a bitch session every once in a while. But don’t draw out what is probably a good thing. He’s ignoring me, she’s always flirting with other guys. Then talk it out with them. Unless your significant other is a total bitch/prick, either dump them, or appreciate what they have contributed to your life (bad and good, you still learn and gain from both). Been going out less than a month? 3 months? 10 years? There must be a reason you are still with them.

Take some time to recognize that.
Otherwise, here's the guilt trip.
Every time you talk about your relationship in a bad way, that takes a bit of relationship hope out of me or the next person who hears your sob story. Just remember there’s always someone worse off than you.

If trend continues, I will die old and lonely while I help mend other people’s love life with no personal gain (benefit to my well being).

Is that selfish of me to say?
No, that’s my reality, and it’s time I finally take notice of it.

Moral of this, if you complain about your relationship...

Guys: I’m going to have sex with your girlfriend.
(Ralf you are the only exception to this rule cause that's just wrong)

Girls: I’m going to have sex with you.
The 30 seconds it will take me, will make you appreciate your boyfriend I’m sure.